


Borrowed Time

by infernalstars



Series: Raven Neil [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neil Josten Needs a Hug, Neil Josten is sad, Nightmares, Raven Neil Josten, Raven!Neil, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:55:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26502511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infernalstars/pseuds/infernalstars
Summary: Neil wakes up from a nightmare from his time at the Nest. He's finally ready to tell Andrew what happened and about the scars on his wrist.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Raven Neil [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940422
Comments: 6
Kudos: 203





	Borrowed Time

**Author's Note:**

> ****** trigger warning for a graphic description of a suicide attempt ******
> 
> The timeline is also altered a bit so Mary died a few years back and Neil got caught. 
> 
> I didn't reread this but I really liked writing it...I hope you enjoy <3

Neil jerked awake to the sound of Kevin’s scream. It rang loud in his ears. 

Andrew was next to him, awake instantly. He turned to look at Neil who had backed himself into the corner, labored breathing. Andrew stared at him, but Neil didn’t really see him. 

He felt the bed underneath him shift as Andrew climbed out of it. A moment later he set a glass of water on the floor next to the bed. He moved slowly in front of Neil. 

“Yes or no,” he asked quietly. 

Kevin Day stirred in his sleep in the bed next to them. Neil’s eyes fixed on Kevin’s previously broken hand. 

“Neil?” Andrew asks. 

Neil looks up at him nodding. He feels Andrew place a hand on the back of his neck. Neil scrubbed at the spot where he knew the number four was etched into his skin. He wanted to claw it out. 

Andrew gently grabbed his hand. “Hey...look at me.” 

Neil looked at him. Met his eyes. Hazel met blue. 

“Do you want to talk about it,” Andrew asked. 

He always asked. It was rare that either of them talked about their nightmares, especially the bad ones. Andrew had the decency to look surprised when Neil said yes.

This was something he had never told anyone. Andrew only knew the barest details about his time at the Nest. Andrew handed him the glass of water, making him drink it all before grabbing his keys and a pack of cigarettes. 

Neil followed him up to the roof. 

Andrew lit a cigarette for himself and passed the pack to him. 

He just waited.

“I saw Riko break Kevin’s hand and I did nothing,” Neil whispered. 

-

Nathaniel stood there, hearing Kevin scream in pain. He pulled the hand to his chest, curling away from Riko. There was a ringing in his ears. Rage filled him. 

Riko went to strike him again. Nathaniel put himself between them. Riko stopped short, staring at the ever obedient Nathaniel. Kevin sniffled behind them, thanking his teammate. 

When his mom died, he joined this team. Kevin was the only one to show him the slightest bit of mercy. Showed him kindness when Riko beat him into compliance the first time. It was the only reason he survived this far. Kevin and Jean were the only bit of peace he knew. 

Nathaniel was simply returning the favor by protecting him in this moment. He pressed a hand to Riko’s chest, challenging this. He could see the anger bubbling up inside of Riko clear as day. He glared at Neil, eyes darkening like the sky before a storm. 

“Go, Kevin,” he said quietly. 

“Nathaneil--” 

“Kevin, I said go,” he spat out in French. 

He felt Riko tense under his hand. He hated when they spoke French. 

Riko swatted his hand away and watched Kevin, his number two, leave. He turned to Nathaniel. 

“You ruin everything you touch, Wesninski,” Riko growled. “You pull shit like that again and you’ll regret it. Do you understand?”  
Nathaniel nodded, letting him shove past. He let out a shuddering breath, running his hands through his red hair. What had he done? Now Riko would be out for blood. His blood to be exact. 

That night as Nathaniel laid in bed, he did not sleep. He couldn’t sleep knowing that Kevin’s bed was empty. He did not have a home in this hell anymore. And now that he was broken, Riko couldn’t use him. 

He got jealous and destroyed Kevin. 

How long before Riko got sick of Nathaniel’s bullshit and decided to make him just as useless. How many times would Riko let him stand up to him before it was too much? How long before he let out his fury on Nathaniel because Kevin was no longer around? 

Nathaniel was living on borrowed time. 

He spent every waking moment living in fear. What little food he did eat, he threw up. What little sleep he got did little to help him or his anxieties. He’d wake up in a cold sweat and look to where Kevin’s things once were. 

He’d watched Riko burn them. Burn them, not just throw them out. He burned every last thing that Kevin owned.

When he’d finally pushed himself too far he passed out in the middle of practice. His vision blurred, and he missed the goal. He fell to his knees just as Riko turned around to yell at him. The words died in his throat. 

Nathaniel collapsed to the ground. 

Malnourished and overtired he was returned to the dorms when he should have been rushed to the hospital. He woke up in his bed with Jean by his side. 

“I’m supposed to get him when you wake up,” Jean said quietly in French. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine. Is he mad,” Nathaniel asked. 

He wondered if he really cared. Maybe he was hopeful that Riko would simply beat him to death. He was scared and alone in the nest. He wanted Riko to get rid of him already. 

“Of course he is. We have a game on Friday.” 

Nathaniel nodded. “Go get him.” 

Jean left. Nathaniel stared at the ceiling in a daze. He felt dizzy, light headed. He remembered feeling like he wasn’t even real anymore. 

Would anyone notice if he stole a couple extra pills in the mornings and took them all at once? The prescription meant to calm his anger and keep him in check could easily be the medication that saved him from another day in the Nest. 

He wondered if Kevin felt free or lost outside the nest. 

He could never run, he’d learned that the hard way with his mom. Running only puts you six feet under. 

But then again--did he want to keep living life this way? Maybe running was worth the risk. 

-

“You wanted to die,” Andrew said quietly. 

Neil nodded. 

“So when I asked if you had a death wish--” 

“Yeah, Andrew. I wanted to die. Really fucking bad,” Neil said, grabbing a cigarette. This time he took a drag, feeling Andrew watch him. He looked down at his feet.

Andrew flinched like he might shove him away from the ledge. 

“I don’t anymore, for the record,” he added. 

Andrew nodded. “How mad was Riko?” 

-

The door opened with a bang, pulling Nathaniel from his thoughts. 

He sat up to see Riko storming over to him. He liked to think of Riko as a storm, cruel and unpredictable. Violent and dominating. 

Kevin was the ocean. Quiet, but powerful. Predictable. 

Jean was the Earth. Strong and steady wherever Nathaniel went. 

Nathaniel was fire. Untamed. He bowed to no one.  
Except Riko. 

But Riko wasn’t really worthy of being a King, Nathaniel thought as he was yelled at. He didn’t pay attention to a damn thing he said. Riko ruled by fear. He’d done nothing to earn that title besides violently beating his team into compliance. 

Nathaniel laughed in his face. Some sick and twisted part of him laughed. How fucked up was he that he laughed at Riko’s rage?

And the beating he got in exchange hurt like hell. 

It was a wake up call.

After that Nathaniel began removing two pills from the bottle in the mornings. He was able to store enough in his duffle bag without getting caught. He’d kept his head down, let Riko force him back into shape, sideline him as punishment. 

He was losing his worth to Riko. 

He felt it. 

Riko was growing impatient. He was realizing that he couldn’t be controlled. He’d have to do something about it. 

Kevin was destroyed out of jealousy. Nathaniel would be destroyed for Riko’s convenience. 

He didn’t want to go by Riko’s hand. He wanted one thing, this one thing to be his own choice. 

That night he went to the bathroom, dug out the pills he hogged. He swallowed them one by one by one. He called Kevin. 

If he lived through this, Riko would kill him. 

“Nathaniel,” Kevin answered. 

“I’m sorry,” Nathaniel said. His vision felt fuzzy. 

He pulled out the knife he kept hidden among his things. He stared at it. 

“Sorry for what? It’s three in the morning are you okay?” Kevin asked. “He’ll know you called.”

“It won’t matter.”

“It won’t--What’s going on?”

“I should have left with you. I shouldn’t have let him break your hand. There's a lot of things I should have done,” he said. “I won’t let him hurt me anymore. I hope...I hope you get a happy ending, Kev.”

“Are you hurt? What did he do to you?” Kevin demanded, voice frantic. He heard voices in the background. “Nathaniel.” 

“He did nothing. I wanted to make this decision for myself, before he did,” he said. “I’m not going to be his pawn anymore. I can’t do that. I...Kevin?” 

“What?” 

“Tell Jean I’m sorry.” 

“Tell him yourself, Nathaniel. Stop talking like this. What did you do?” he demanded. 

“They wanted me to take the medicine...they never said how much,” Nathaniel said and he laughed at his joke. “I took so many...as many as I could get my hands on. I feel...sleepy…Kev...do you believe in God?’

“Jesus fuck. Stay on the phone okay?” 

“I gotta go. I need to...I need to make sure he can’t hurt me again.” 

The phone fell from his hands. He didn’t have much time. He dug the knife in. He bled red from both wrists. 

Dying wasn’t so bad he thought as he faded out. 

The last thing he remembered was the bathroom dorm opening up. Someone yelled his name. 

-

Neil rubbed the scars that lined his wrists. They were fresher than the rest. They didn’t look like Andrew’s either.

He never went that deep. Never required stitches like Neil’s did. 

“I mean I knew that you--but you really--” Andrew stubbed out both of their cigarettes. “Yes or no?”

“Yes.” 

Andrew pulled him in and hugged him. Nothing else, just held him. 

“I hate you so much,” Andrew whispered. He had never sounded less convincing than he did now. 

“I know,” Neil said, leaning into him. 

-

When Nathaniel opened his eyes again he was in a hospital bed. Kevin was asleep by his side. 

He felt the bandages wound tightly around his wrists. They ached. His whole body did. 

“Kev,” he said gently, leaning over the side to wake him. 

The taller male stirred. He sat up, blinking around in confusion. Then his eyes found Nathaniel. 

“You’re awake.”

He nodded. “What happened?”

“I called Jean. He found you. Somehow convinced Riko to call an ambulance. You’ve...been removed from the Raven’s line up. Riko didn’t want a flight risk on his team, I guess,” Kevin said. “You tried to kill yourself.” 

Nathaniel nodded. “I was scared of him. I didn’t want to live my life as a pawn. A possession.”

“Nathaniel--” 

“Neil. Nathaniel’s dead.” 

Kevin accepted this. “Neil. What happened?” 

Neil told him what happened after he left. Told him every gruesome detail, how he withered away and so did his worth. How the tension built between him and Riko since Kevin left. 

“I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m so tired…” Neil said, leaning back against the pillows. 

“Do you want to play again?” Kevin asked. 

He had a one track mind. Everything circled back to Exy. Neil looked over at him and nodded. “Of course I want to play, don’t be fucking stupid.”

“Join the Foxes. We can give you a home.” 

“A home.” He didn’t know the last time he had a real home. “That sounds nice.” 

-

“Then I came here and met you and you know the rest.”

“All this time and you never told me this?” Andrew asked quietly. 

The sun was starting to rise. They had to go for practice soon. 

Neil shrugged. “I try not to think about it too much.” 

Andrew gently nudged him. “You know I’m here for you right?” 

“It’s cute when you care.” 

“I’m serious, Josten.” 

“Me too.” 

Andrew sighed. He held out his hand to him. Neil took it. 

He’d been through hell and back to get here. He almost died for this, but he got a home, a family. Most importantly he got his freedom. 

Andrew’s head fell against his shoulder. 

Neil smiled. 

Everyday he was haunted by his past, but everyday he was given a reason to fight. He wondered if he’d ever be able to thank Andrew for giving him that.


End file.
